Infidelity

This article is for married men and women who are ignorant of fidelity.  Now before you say to yourself “That’s not me…I’m not ignorant about fidelity”, be absolutely sure that you know what I’m speaking about before you stop reading any further.

Fidelity defined: faithfulness to a moral obligation, pledge, promise or vow.  It implies complete submission; complete entrusting; and complete allegiance to that which you have committed yourself to.  The key word in this definition is COMPLETE.

Therefore, can you say that you have been completely faithful in the fulfillment of your marital vows to your spouse since the day you said: “I Do”?  If you can say “Yes I have” then you can stop reading, but let me challenge you to consider one more thing before you do.  The word complete implies total; nothing lacking.  Can you say with assuredness that you have never fallen short in your words, thoughts or deeds concerning fidelity with your spouse?

Humm…I thought you couldn’t.  Let’s learn something then about the word fidelity and how we have many times missed the mark in our marital relationships by manifesting infidelity in ways we never thought we were.

By its definition, fidelity is not confined to marriage.  It is a condition that is applicable to any commitment.  Infidelity then would mean there was a breach in faithfulness concerning a promise, pledge, vow or moral obligation to someone that resulted in a violation of the commitment of fidelity between the parties involved.

So, when we use infidelity in the context of marriage, we must replace the misconception that the word implies only having sexual relations outside the covenant of marriage.  There is a much deeper significance we must come to understand.

It is easy for us to focus on issues of adultery, substance abuse, gambling, physical and verbal abuse as behaviors that undergird marital discourse.  These are like “bombs” that explode in our faces.  As a result, they are not hard to identify.  They are extremely devastating to any marital covenant.  But there is another “villain in the camp” that we pay very little attention to.  This villain is subtle and appears innocuous but brings a sense of anesthesia into relationships that cause a gradual state of emotional numbness to develop.  The villain’s name is Mr. Erosion, aka Mr. Drip/Drip/Drip.

You know how he works.  I’m sure you’ve seen him do his thing in nature.  He’s that constant drip of water that keeps striking in the same spot on the earth, and over time, erodes the soil it’s been pounding on to create a crevice that penetrates deep into the ground.  Can you recall seeing his works?

Well, did you know that he likes to abide in marital relationships also?  Instead of water, he uses things like impatience; unkindness; jealousy; envy; boastfulness; pridefulness; haughtiness; selfishness; rudeness; demanding one’s own way; irritability; or holding records of wrongs.

Through these areas, he develops insensitivities between husband and wife.  Each tries to initially co-exist with these insensitivities, but as time goes on in the marriage they find themselves emotionally distancing from each other.   One insensitivity leads into another and the intensity of the insensitivity grows; more distancing occurs until there becomes an emotional “crater” existing between them.  You begin hearing one of them say: “He doesn’t love me like he use to” or “She doesn’t show me respect anymore” or “We don’t seem to connect with each other anymore” or “We are always arguing over the little things”.

In my tenure as a biblical counselor, I have encountered numerous marital cases that were byproducts of these emotional erosions.  The geography of the crater that these couples present in counseling is often times very deep, very jagged and very treacherous.  For the spouse who has fallen into that crater, negotiating the terrain back to the surface isn’t easy because of the extent of emotional numbness that exists.

Do you remember the vows you made to your spouse on your wedding day?   When was the last time you took an inventory of them?     The covenant of marriage is the most basic of relationships established by God.  He expects us to be virtuous in that covenant.  If you don’t remember what you vowed, how can you guard against Mr. Erosion?

What specifically did you vow to your spouse?  Was it to love and cherish and care for?   Was it to honor, obey and respect?  Was it to be there for your spouse in sickness and in health?  Was it to forsake all others?  Fidelity is the cornerstone of any relationship. Does it matter to you that God expects you to be virtuous in his covenant?

Let me give you a homework assignment that will complete your schooling on fidelity.  Meditate on the following scripture passage from the Living Bible, and then write a letter to your spouse relating what the Holy Spirit has revealed to you about your role in the marital covenant.

Ephesians 5: 21-27, 33 (TLB)

{21} Honor Christ by submitting to each other. {22} You wives must submit to your husbands’ leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. {23} For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body the Church. (He gave his very life to take care of it and be its Savior!) {24} So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ. {25} And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, {26} to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s Word; {27} so that he could give her to himself as a glorious Church without a single spot or wrinkle or any other blemish, being holy and without a single fault. {33} So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband – obeying, praising, and honoring him.

Stop the erosion in your marriage.  Renew your wedding vows by restating them to each other.  Do it soon.  Do it this weekend.  Send the kids to a sitter and go for a weekend getaway.  Dress up.  Go to dinner.  Create an atmosphere of intimacy.  Speak life back into your marriage by vowing to each other that you will protect the fidelity of each vow.  Commit to edifying each other every day.  Commit to love and honor and respect your covenant of marriage.  Commit to letting infidelity be a thing of the past.

I pray that you were able to digest this and I pray that God gives you the courage and desire to revive the flame that was ignited between you and your spouse on the day you entered into His blessed covenant of marriage.

An Eternal Sleep

I laid on my bed one night tumultuously struggling with thoughts of death.  My emotions were overwhelmed with the terror of not being able to escape such a dreadful fate.  I pulled the covers over my head wishing I could find some refuge but my fear only grew in intensity.  As I tossed from side to side I could not stop myself from trembling and crying.  In my mind and in my spirit I keep saying, “I don’t want to die; I don’t want to die” but my thoughts were oppressive and kept me terrorized with fear.

Then a calm overtook me, like when clouds roll back from a storm and you feel the warmth of the summer sun come out and light your face with a cool accompanying breeze.  I heard the voice of the Lord speak softly to my spirit.  He said, “You are my child because you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and Lord and you, therefore, belong to Me.”  He told me that He loves me and is always with me.  He told me how His unfailing love for me has been graciously preparing me for the very moment that I found myself so fearful of.  He reminded me how I have practiced every night of my life for the very moment when I will physically die.  And He assured me that I had become well versed in the process.  That process is called “falling asleep.”

Peacefully, every night of my life I have rehearsed my grand exit from this world.  As I fall asleep each night I cannot recall exactly when I lose consciousness and fall into a state of sleep, but it is something that happens regularly with no fanfare or fear.  How peaceful those moments are; how unafraid I am of falling asleep at those times.

The Lord reminds me that that is exactly what is going to happen to me when I physically die.  He says I am going to go to sleep one more time, then when I awake, because I belong to Him, I will wake up to find myself with Him in paradise for eternity.

Understand one thing: People will have an experience of thinking about death at some point in their lives.  For some, it may come when they are small children.  For others, it may come when something has threatened their life.  Some might witness a loved one die right before their eyes and wonder where they have gone to.  Regardless of the circumstance, rest assured, people are destined to confront their mortality at some point in their lives.

Death has become a reality:  Death was never in God’s original design for man.  Man’s sin brought the consequences of physical death from this world and spiritual death from God into existence.

Death affects the human spirit in two ways.  It separates the human spirit from the presence of God and it separates the human spirit from the physical body.

Adam and Eve brought a curse on all humanity in the Garden of Eden when they sinned against God.  As a result, everyone’s spirit is separated from the presence of God at birth.  Everyone is “spiritually dead” at birth.

In addition, everyone will experience a “physical death”, where there will be a separation of their spirit from their physical body at the end of their physical life.  Both of these deaths are a reality we all face.

Unless you have knowledge concerning your human spirit, the thought of death creates anxiety, fear, and trepidation. Unless you have knowledge of God’s love for you and what He has done to resolve the dilemma of your human spirit, the thought of death stings your very soul.

Scripture identifies two resting places for the human spirit when physical death comes.  One is for those who are reunited with the presence of God through rebirth and the other is for those who remain separated from the presence of God through the rejection of Jesus Christ.  The location of the former is the bosom of Abraham; the location of the latter is Hell.

You see, man cannot change the reality of his physical death; the separation of his human spirit from his physical body.  But he can change the reality of his separation from the presence of God.

By believing in Jesus Christ’s death as the propitiation for man in satisfying God’s judgment for Adam’s sin and by believing in Jesus Christ’s resurrection as God’s justification for man, a provision is given to man that resolves his separation from the presence of God.  The provision is a manifestation of God’s grace. The provision is a gift of God.  It is salvation.  The provision is Jesus Christ.

Accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior brings you into perfect fellowship with God.  It answers the question, which resting place will my spirit go to when it is separated from my physical body.  It will go to the bosom of Abraham.  Positioned to receive a new body that will never be separated from God but united with God eternally.

Scripture says:

1Corinthians 15:50-57 (TLB)

I tell you this, my brothers: an earthly body made of flesh and blood cannot get into God’s Kingdom.  These perishable bodies of ours are not the right kind to live forever.

But I am telling you this strange and wonderful secret: we shall not all die, but we shall all be given new bodies!  It will all happen in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown.  For there will be a trumpet blast from the sky, and all the Christians who have died will suddenly become alive, with new bodies that will never, never die; and then we who are still alive shall suddenly have new bodies too.  For our earthly bodies, the ones we have now that can die, must be transformed into heavenly bodies that cannot perish but will live forever.  When this happens, then at last this Scripture will come true – “Death is swallowed up in victory.”  O death, where then your victory? Where then your sting?  For sin – the sting that causes death – will all be gone; and the law, which reveals our sins, will no longer be our judge. How we thank God for all of this!  It is he who makes us victorious through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Therefore, if you have accepted Jesus Christ, you can continue your “dress rehearsals” with a peace that surpasses all human understanding.  You never again will have to become fearful about death.

Nouthetic Confrontation

For some reason, it appears as though many Christians do not believe they can speak out against sinful thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors they see manifest in other Christian’s lives.  Well, I believe this is a dangerous position to take.

You see, desensitization to the Word of God is a dangerous thing.  Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines desensitization in this way:  to make emotionally insensitive or callous; specifically to extinguish an emotional response to stimuli that formerly induced it.  (Such as fear, anxiety, or guilt)

Now in the context of a brother or sister in Christ sinning, it is the emotional response of guilt that makes them aware of their offenses and transgressions against God and/or their neighbor.  Without guilt, a person has no ability to experience remorse, regret, or sorrow over what they have done.

Now we know that man is not perfect.  Man will always make mistakes.  Man will always fall short of God’s moral standards, so it is critical then, that man remains conscious of his shortcomings.  It is critical that man has a heart, a mind and a will to correct those shortcomings and minimize their occurrences in his life.  Desensitization to guilt prevents this from happening.

Scripture mandates every Christian to confront one another through a process of confrontation called Nouthesia.  It is a Greek noun.  It is defined in the lexical dictionary as “an admonition, a warning, or an exhortation.   Any word of encouragement or reproof which leads to correct behavior.”

Now the Bible is our utility tool, our manual, our guide for providing Nouthetic guidance because it is God’s Word of moral instruction to us as it pertains to living holy and righteous lives in the body of Christ.

Hebrews 4:12 tells us:  “For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

God has given us a moral compass to use in our daily interactions with each other.  The Holy Bible. Therefore, by it, we can have accountability to one another so that we can be a “facilitory agent” in each other’s lives for spiritual growth and maturation.  Our responsibility to ourselves and to others is to live by God’s moral compass.

However, many born-again believers are failing and even running away from fulfilling this responsibility.  Instead of spiritual growth and maturation, there is spiritual retardation and adolescence as it pertains to living holy and righteous lives, because of the failure to execute nouthetic confrontation in the lives of those who demonstrate wayward actions.  They are not held accountable to the Word of God.  No one warns or admonishes them by the Word of God and consequently, they remain outside the will of God; living defeated lives with an immature faith.

Let me take a moment and show you how accountability will facilitate obedience.

If I find myself doing something that is not in accord with God’s standard, then you would be correct in saying that I am off center or missing the mark.  Now the longer I remain there, the more rooted I will become there and the more distant I will remain from God’s moral expectation of my life.

If no one confronts me for being off the mark or holds me accountable for my wayward conduct, then I will continue to be disobedient to God’s morality and will remain off center. Something has to motivate me to move back in line.  Something has to awaken my sense of guilt for being off the mark. That something is nouthetic confrontation from another brother or sister in Christ.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”.

The lexical definition of “sharpens” in this text of scripture means to make something stronger or to improve. Therefore, to state this proverb using this definition would sound like this:  “As iron strengthens and improves iron, so one man strengthens and improves another.” This is through the process of Nouthetic confrontation.

Knowing this, tell me why so many born-again believers in Jesus Christ are not confronting one another?   What is the reason for tolerating ungodliness in another Christian’s life?  Well, I believe it has to do with one of two things: either apathy or fear.

If you find that you fall into the category of apathy, then I say this to you-you are sinning against the second command given by Jesus, which states we are to “love your neighbor as yourself”.

This love is agape love.  The love that esteems others, cherishes others, favors others, honors others, respects others, accepts others, prizes others, relishes others, is devoted to others, is loyal to others, and is concerned for others.  If you are apathetic toward your neighbor how can love them in this way?

If you find that you fall into the category of the fearful who are afraid of man’s possible repercussions from confrontation, which might involve verbal accosting, ostracism or even physical assault, then I say this to you-you are not trusting God for the veracity and wisdom of his word.  You are not trusting God for the truth of his instruction.  You do not have the conviction of:

Psalm 56:3, which states, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.”

Psalm 56:4 which states, “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?”

Or

 Psalm 118:8, which states, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.”

You see, to confront is to love openly.  Not to confront is to be unloving.

Proverbs 27:5 tells us “better is open rebuke than hidden love.”

Therefore, it is time you started practicing your faith and demonstrating Christian love one to another from the perspective of obedience to the mandate in Scripture of nouthetically confronting your neighbor when you see sin abound in their lives.

Let me give you one last illustration of the how the Lord expects us to love one another through nouthetic confrontation.

In the world when someone commits a crime, it is because they have done something outside the boundaries of the law. They become wanted criminals and walk around ever mindful the police are looking for them.

One day they are spotted by the police and stopped.  The officer has grounds to search them and does so by “frisking” them down to see if there are any illegal items they might be carrying on their person.  If the officer finds something, he takes it away – he confiscates it.  It is no longer in the possession of the person.

Well in the kingdom of God, we are mandated to do to each other what the police officer did to the criminal suspect.  We have been given legal grounds to “frisk” one another down.  We have been given legal grounds to use the Word of God to search for any ungodliness in the lives of one another when they have committed sin.  When we see the ungodliness, we are to be a facilitory agent in the confiscation of it.

By that, I mean we are to teach, rebuke, correct, and train in righteousness through the use of God’s instructions as mandated in the Bible; to bring to light the ungodly contraband our brother or sister may be carrying in their lives.  We are to use the authority of the Word of God when we “frisk”.  Only using the truth of the Word of God will bring conviction, and only conviction will birth the awareness of guilt that will be the catalyst for change.

If we all can become proficient in utilizing the process of Nouthetic guidance one to another, we would see great strides made in the lives of every born-again believer as it pertains to their spiritual growth and maturation in the body of Christ.

Memory and Forgiveness

In this blog, I am going to present an academic view and a practical perspective, on how the capacity of our memory influences our decisions to forgive and forget an offense that someone has committed against us.

Have you ever thought about how the memories you have concerning an offense influence the decisions you make about forgiving or forgetting?

Ever consider what power your memory exerts over your behaviors, emotions, and thoughts?

If the truth is told, without memory there would be no need to worry about forgiveness, because you would not be able to remember that an offense ever occurred.

What do I mean by that statement?

Well, before I can give insight into the meaning, I must first lay down this foundation:

All memory does is to recall all of our experiences; specifically our past experiences.

MEMORY recalls THE HISTORY OF OUR LIVES

Now here’s the academic view:

The Merriam-Webster dictionary classifies the word memory as a noun and uses a definition that fits our context:  It says that:

“Memory is the power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained especially through associative mechanisms.”

It goes on to say that:

“Memory is the store of things learned and retained from an organism’s activity or experience as evidenced by modification, structure, or behavior or by recall and recognition.”

As this definition implies, memory is the foundation for all learning, conditioning, habits, behaviors, and thoughts.

Without the capacity of memory, you would only know how to live for the moment, and that moment would be a new moment, every moment.

For when that moment was over, without a memory, you would not be able to recall it.  It would be gone, non-existent; like it never happened.

But through the process or power of memory, you are able to recall what happened at that moment that had just passed.

You see, memory is needed to bring back to mind those things of your yesterday.

Memory is always past tense, and it is a very critical component of what your present and future tenses can be.

Now consider this interesting insight about “man.”

His experiences of yesterday are the things that influence his here and now; his today.

His yesterday experiences give meaning to his present, here and now, and consequently, help him decide what he has to do in his current situation or in the future.

Therefore “man,” in addition to always learning new things from moment to moment is always in a state of reacting to things or modifying things by recalling past experiences of those things every second of every day of his life.

His world is one of not just continual enlightenment as he relates to those things that are in his environment, or with people whom he interacts, it is a world dominated by present and future decisions that are influenced by past experiences.

The acronym:

“(M)y (E)nlightened (M)ind (O)nly (R)emembers (Y)esterday” …

Is a phrase the Lord gave to me to use for the word “memory.”

Therefore, with regard to forgiveness; when someone offends me, it immediately becomes a historical event one second after it happens.

The incident is then immediately stored in the mind of both the offender and the offended.

It is locked away with all of the particulars that were connected to it; (such as words, emotions, actions, thoughts, sights, smells, sounds, etc.) – all locked away.  It is now historical.

It is something that happened in the past.  It can never be physically relived, only mentally remembered.   It is something that has happened – not something that is happening.

So, thus far, we have successfully laid the foundation that gives meaning to our opening statement which was: If the truth is told, without memory there would be no need to worry about forgiveness because you would not be able to remember that an offense ever occurred.

Therefore, one must rely on the recollection of this historical data in order to bring resolve to the issue of offense.  Without this information, without this memory of the offense, no knowledge of an offense would ever exist.

Think for a moment about this precious capacity of memory we have.  What a wonderful capacity the Lord has given to us.

It is something we use to remind us of where we have been, what we have done, what we have said, what we have learned;

It is something we use to remind us of where we have failed, where we have succeeded, where we have error, where we have fault;

It is something we use to remind us of where we are strong, where we are weak, where we are vulnerable, what we like and what we don’t like.

I believe with the utmost assurance that the capacity of memory is one of the many vital capacities the Lord has equipped us with for growth and maturation not only as human beings but as Christians.

Let us take a look at another academic view of how the Lord tells us to use this capacity of memory in the area of forgiving and forgetting.

First, let us build another foundation by looking at the definitions of both words – Forgive and Forget

The word “Forgive” is a verb (an action word) that has three definitions which say:

  1. To cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon.
  2. To give up resentment of or claim to requital.
  3. To send forth, send away, let go from

The implication of these definitions is that a volitional, purposeful, and intentional decision is made to cease to feel resentment; to give up resentment and to let go from oneself.

The word “forget” is also a verb (an action word). BUT we must use its proper form if we are to understand how God uses it in context with the verb forgive.  That verb form would be the intransitive form of the verb which says:

To cease remembering or noticing.  The implication is that a volitional, purposeful, and intentional choice has been made not to remember or bring to mind the offense.

Now, let us put all of this together.

Memory influences our decisions to grant forgiveness or to forget an offense because it precisely brings to mind the entire travesty of the offense, which could and many times does hinder any of our efforts to resolve and/or reconcile our relationship with the one who has offended us.

As the offender, our memories are of all the precipitating circumstances that brought us to the point of committing the offense.

As an offender, our memories could be of that desire we had for selfish gain at the expense of another; or that desire we had to hurt, harm, or destroy the person because of prideful motivations we had, or maybe our memories are cloudy and confused from an unwitting innocence.

As the offended, our memories are of all the emotional hurt, physical hurt, financial loss, personal violation, betrayal, injustice, anger, disappointment, which we suffered.

Memory recalls these historical facts – brings them to mind, BUT it stops there.

Memory only reminds us of those facts.  Memory does not make us act on those historical facts; something else does.

So that brings us to the crossroad.  Regardless of whatever perspective we come from (offender or offended), the question is what decisions are we to make concerning the historical facts of the offense, what are we to do?

Now the practical perspective is this:

As born-again believers in Jesus Christ, we are to simply be obedient to what Jesus has commanded us to do in the area of forgiving and forgetting an offense.

Even though many will say that there has to be more to it than that, in reality, for the born-again believer, it is the only practical answer.

And just how is that played out?

As the one who was offended – you must make a volitional, purposeful, and intentional decision to choose to forgive and let go from yourself the feelings of resentment toward the offender (when you have had your heart healed and restored by the Lord), and to also volitionally, purposefully, and intentionally choose to biblically forget by not bringing the offense to mind.

As the one who did the offense – you must make a volitional, purposeful, and intentional decision to go and be reconciled to the person you have offended by confessing your guilt and asking for their forgiveness.

Understand that reconciliation can only come from the offended, not the offender.

The syntax is: “go and be reconciled”, notgo and reconcile” – Matthew 5:23.

You might be saying right now: That is not the answer.  Elder, you have no clue.

Well, you are 100% correct. As a human being, I have no clue, BUT my creator and Lord does. He has the just, righteous, and holy answer.

To the offended:   He tells you in Matthew 6:14-15 –

“that if you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

To the one who offended someone:   He tells you in Matthew 5:23-24 –

“that if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24leave your sacrifice there beside the altar.  Go and be reconciled to that person.  Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

You see after all the emotions have died down and you have returned to your ability to think rational thoughts, then as a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, you are left with only one thing to do and that is to obey what Jesus has commanded.

You are to forgive and forget offenses committed against you as the Lord has commanded you, even though the knowledge of the historical facts are locked away in the memory banks of your mind.

And those facts will always be there because they are facts that actually occurred. But it should be your heart’s desire to do what God has commanded if you are born-again.

Scripture says:

“And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live.  Remember, He has identified you as His own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  (Ephesians 4:30-32)

And

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”   (Colossians 3:13)

Therefore “Memory”:

  1. Stores all of our past experiences.
  2. Reminds us of those experiences.
  3. Reminds us also of what the Lord has commanded us to do, especially in the area of forgiving and forgetting an offense.
  4. Reminds us also of the love, grace, and mercy of our Father in heaven and what He has done for us in forgiving our sins and reconciling us back to Himself.

So now you can see what role memory plays in our decision making.

MEMORY ONLY ACTS AS A REMINDER OF WHAT HAPPENED 

The heart is what motivates us to do in response to our memory.  And our heart’s desire should always be to honor the Lord and bring glory to His precious name by following His command to forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.

So, take some time and marinate on this instructional message and I pray that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Amen

An Admonition to the Biblical Counselor

The Lord in His Word is very specific in His admonition to the believer concerning the progressive societal decline that is to come.

2Timothy 3:1-5

But mark this:  There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having a form of godliness but denying its power…

 2Timothy 4:3-4

For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.

Anyone who has eyes and ears can testify to seeing this happening today in their own backyard and must agree that the fruit of this produces a societal culture of unorthodox lifestyles that are growing larger and larger and that contribute to the decline of biblical morals and values with each succeeding generation.

The biblical counselor is in the trenches with people who come to them as by-products of this societal degradation carrying problems, concerns, and crises that need attention; that need to be resolved but cannot because the societal solution only leads them deeper and deeper into degradation.  It is challenging therefore to the biblical counselor to transform the ungodly patterns of thought that pervade the hearts and minds of their counselee.

I therefore give the following admonition to the biblical counselor who is called to be a facilitory agent in the life of someone who needs guidance from God’s Word.

It is purposed to have the prospective counselor take inventory of his or her own motivation and intent of wanting to become a vessel of the Lord to be used in the arena of a counseling session.

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

I chose this statement because I want to convey to you a very important truth about counseling from a biblical perspective.  A truth that is only experienced by the counselor who is actively engaged on the proverbial battlefield of the counseling session.

Therefore, this truth is an experiential truth.  That means it is experienced or lived out; not studied in the classroom or in a lecture hall; but experienced or lived out in the mind of the person or persons the counselor is counseling.

You see, the counselor finds out very quickly that the counselee’s mind is a fortified bunker that protects and feeds into something of an eternal value that is deep inside the counselee.   The counselee’s heart.

The truth therefore, that I want you to come to know and understand is this:

The counselor must first strategically overcome this bunker in the mind of the counselee before any pursuit can be undertaken to destroy any stronghold found in the heart of the counselee.

You see, there is a direct link between the bunker and the heart. However, before any release of hostages is made in the heart of the counselee, the counselor, must first understand and embrace this truth, and then, overcome the bunker in the only method of engagement he has: that is head-to-head combat.

Notice I said head-to-head and not hand-to-hand.

I chose this metaphor because it graphically depicts the dynamics of the initial engagement you will have with a counselee’s presentation problem.

No, they do not come at you swinging their fists; they come at you swinging their intellectual arguments and intellectual persuasions; their justifications and rationalizations concerning their morals, beliefs, thoughts and conduct.

At your first introduction to the counselee, you will step onto a battlefield where you become directly engaged and entangled in the mind of someone whose is under the influence of an ungodly persuasion of the adversary.

Now do not be deceived by some erroneous thought about why people come for counseling; especially professing Christians.  Not everyone you see in session is eager to hear from God. Not everyone you see in session is eager to do what God instructs.  Many times the counselee’s arguments and persuasions are contrary to God’s, and submitting to God and His Word would be to go against the deeply rooted persuasions and arguments the adversary has planted in their hearts.

This is a known fact. If it were not true, there would be no need for them to seek out counseling.  They would not have to seek you out for help.  They would know to be obedient to the Holy Spirits’ leading in their life and would be malleable in allowing Him to transform them in their present circumstance, so you would not be needed.

However, you will discover that many who come into session are truly perverted in their theology, and in need of transformation due to their illiteracy of God’s Word or either their rebellion towards it.

So let me say to you again:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

As a vessel of the Lord, you will be tested and tried by the counselee. You will be stretched, pressed, and pushed by the counselee into a proverbial corner many times in your encounters until you overcome the resistance put up from counselee’s bunker.

You see, if the truth be told, every counselee has an opinion concerning their situation, and that opinion is fortified in that bunker.  For many, it is fortified and under girded by perverted morals and values that the adversary has deceived the counselee into believing are true.

And though you may not agree with their opinions, if not careful, those very opinions will strike you like flak from an artillery barrage and you may find yourself consequently expending an unexpected and unplanned amount of energy keeping your own flesh under subjection during the barrage than you would have ever imagined.

Therefore, let it be known that it is imperative for you, the counselor, to be prepared spiritually before you engage any counselee.

Well, what do you mean by that Elder?

I mean this: if you, the counselor, are not rooted, anchored, and committed to the Word of God, and willing to submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, then you should not go into battle with any counselee. Do not be deceived.  The devil is more than a worthy opponent to the unstudied and uncommitted babe in Christ.

In order to survive any head-to-head encounter with the adversary, the counselor must be committed to letting the Holy Spirit work through them.  The counselor must not only have God’s Word inside of himself or herself, but they must be proficient in rightly dividing the Word of truth and speaking what God wants them to speak.

The counselor’s convictions, arguments, and persuasions must be the same as the Lord’s as it pertains to holiness, righteousness and purity.  The counselor must have a faith that is strong enough and rooted enough in the Lord Jesus Christ to allow themselves to be used at all cost in the battlefield of the counseling session.

Understand one thing.  Scripture reminds us that we do not struggle against flesh and blood.  That means we are not engaged or entangled in physical warfare.  Scripture tells us we struggle against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  That means we are engaged and entangled in spiritual struggles against the adversary and his kingdom.

Therefore, the counselor must be prepared spiritually to do battle against the counselee’s bunker as the Lord directs and leads.

Again, I say:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

I leave you with this thought:

People will believe what they want to believe, not necessarily what they need to believe.

With that in mind, know that you will be on a journey with the Lord in moving from the counselee’s head or bunker, where you will battle the presentation and pattern of thinking levels, to entering his or her heart, where you will fight the final battle of the performance and preconditioning levels.

Be a weak vessel for the Lord that loses the battle of the bunker and you will never engage the adversary’s foothold in the counselee’s heart.

Remember and never forget that you are the conduit for the Holy Spirit. You are the vessel for the Lord.  You will be the mouthpiece for the Lord.  You will be His soldier on the battlefield of the counseling session.

Will you be prepared for the battle?  Will you be able to stand firm and strong for the Lord when you come up against the counselee’s bunker?  Will you be able to bring every thought that is contrary to the knowledge of God under subjection and make it obedient to Christ?  Do you have enough compassion for your counselee to persevere the hardships of the struggles you will have in overcoming the bunker as the Lord has?

I pray for the sake of the counselee that you are prepared.

I close in stating to you again:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

Now may the love of God, the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.