Infidelity

This article is for married men and women who are ignorant of fidelity.  Now before you say to yourself “That’s not me…I’m not ignorant about fidelity”, be absolutely sure that you know what I’m speaking about before you stop reading any further.

Fidelity defined: faithfulness to a moral obligation, pledge, promise or vow.  It implies complete submission; complete entrusting; and complete allegiance to that which you have committed yourself to.  The key word in this definition is COMPLETE.

Therefore, can you say that you have been completely faithful in the fulfillment of your marital vows to your spouse since the day you said: “I Do”?  If you can say “Yes I have” then you can stop reading, but let me challenge you to consider one more thing before you do.  The word complete implies total; nothing lacking.  Can you say with assuredness that you have never fallen short in your words, thoughts or deeds concerning fidelity with your spouse?

Humm…I thought you couldn’t.  Let’s learn something then about the word fidelity and how we have many times missed the mark in our marital relationships by manifesting infidelity in ways we never thought we were.

By its definition, fidelity is not confined to marriage.  It is a condition that is applicable to any commitment.  Infidelity then would mean there was a breach in faithfulness concerning a promise, pledge, vow or moral obligation to someone that resulted in a violation of the commitment of fidelity between the parties involved.

So, when we use infidelity in the context of marriage, we must replace the misconception that the word implies only having sexual relations outside the covenant of marriage.  There is a much deeper significance we must come to understand.

It is easy for us to focus on issues of adultery, substance abuse, gambling, physical and verbal abuse as behaviors that undergird marital discourse.  These are like “bombs” that explode in our faces.  As a result, they are not hard to identify.  They are extremely devastating to any marital covenant.  But there is another “villain in the camp” that we pay very little attention to.  This villain is subtle and appears innocuous but brings a sense of anesthesia into relationships that cause a gradual state of emotional numbness to develop.  The villain’s name is Mr. Erosion, aka Mr. Drip/Drip/Drip.

You know how he works.  I’m sure you’ve seen him do his thing in nature.  He’s that constant drip of water that keeps striking in the same spot on the earth, and over time, erodes the soil it’s been pounding on to create a crevice that penetrates deep into the ground.  Can you recall seeing his works?

Well, did you know that he likes to abide in marital relationships also?  Instead of water, he uses things like impatience; unkindness; jealousy; envy; boastfulness; pridefulness; haughtiness; selfishness; rudeness; demanding one’s own way; irritability; or holding records of wrongs.

Through these areas, he develops insensitivities between husband and wife.  Each tries to initially co-exist with these insensitivities, but as time goes on in the marriage they find themselves emotionally distancing from each other.   One insensitivity leads into another and the intensity of the insensitivity grows; more distancing occurs until there becomes an emotional “crater” existing between them.  You begin hearing one of them say: “He doesn’t love me like he use to” or “She doesn’t show me respect anymore” or “We don’t seem to connect with each other anymore” or “We are always arguing over the little things”.

In my tenure as a biblical counselor, I have encountered numerous marital cases that were byproducts of these emotional erosions.  The geography of the crater that these couples present in counseling is often times very deep, very jagged and very treacherous.  For the spouse who has fallen into that crater, negotiating the terrain back to the surface isn’t easy because of the extent of emotional numbness that exists.

Do you remember the vows you made to your spouse on your wedding day?   When was the last time you took an inventory of them?     The covenant of marriage is the most basic of relationships established by God.  He expects us to be virtuous in that covenant.  If you don’t remember what you vowed, how can you guard against Mr. Erosion?

What specifically did you vow to your spouse?  Was it to love and cherish and care for?   Was it to honor, obey and respect?  Was it to be there for your spouse in sickness and in health?  Was it to forsake all others?  Fidelity is the cornerstone of any relationship. Does it matter to you that God expects you to be virtuous in his covenant?

Let me give you a homework assignment that will complete your schooling on fidelity.  Meditate on the following scripture passage from the Living Bible, and then write a letter to your spouse relating what the Holy Spirit has revealed to you about your role in the marital covenant.

Ephesians 5: 21-27, 33 (TLB)

{21} Honor Christ by submitting to each other. {22} You wives must submit to your husbands’ leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. {23} For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body the Church. (He gave his very life to take care of it and be its Savior!) {24} So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ. {25} And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, {26} to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s Word; {27} so that he could give her to himself as a glorious Church without a single spot or wrinkle or any other blemish, being holy and without a single fault. {33} So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband – obeying, praising, and honoring him.

Stop the erosion in your marriage.  Renew your wedding vows by restating them to each other.  Do it soon.  Do it this weekend.  Send the kids to a sitter and go for a weekend getaway.  Dress up.  Go to dinner.  Create an atmosphere of intimacy.  Speak life back into your marriage by vowing to each other that you will protect the fidelity of each vow.  Commit to edifying each other every day.  Commit to love and honor and respect your covenant of marriage.  Commit to letting infidelity be a thing of the past.

I pray that you were able to digest this and I pray that God gives you the courage and desire to revive the flame that was ignited between you and your spouse on the day you entered into His blessed covenant of marriage.

An Admonition to the Biblical Counselor

The Lord in His Word is very specific in His admonition to the believer concerning the progressive societal decline that is to come.

2Timothy 3:1-5

But mark this:  There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having a form of godliness but denying its power…

 2Timothy 4:3-4

For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.

Anyone who has eyes and ears can testify to seeing this happening today in their own backyard and must agree that the fruit of this produces a societal culture of unorthodox lifestyles that are growing larger and larger and that contribute to the decline of biblical morals and values with each succeeding generation.

The biblical counselor is in the trenches with people who come to them as by-products of this societal degradation carrying problems, concerns, and crises that need attention; that need to be resolved but cannot because the societal solution only leads them deeper and deeper into degradation.  It is challenging therefore to the biblical counselor to transform the ungodly patterns of thought that pervade the hearts and minds of their counselee.

I therefore give the following admonition to the biblical counselor who is called to be a facilitory agent in the life of someone who needs guidance from God’s Word.

It is purposed to have the prospective counselor take inventory of his or her own motivation and intent of wanting to become a vessel of the Lord to be used in the arena of a counseling session.

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

I chose this statement because I want to convey to you a very important truth about counseling from a biblical perspective.  A truth that is only experienced by the counselor who is actively engaged on the proverbial battlefield of the counseling session.

Therefore, this truth is an experiential truth.  That means it is experienced or lived out; not studied in the classroom or in a lecture hall; but experienced or lived out in the mind of the person or persons the counselor is counseling.

You see, the counselor finds out very quickly that the counselee’s mind is a fortified bunker that protects and feeds into something of an eternal value that is deep inside the counselee.   The counselee’s heart.

The truth therefore, that I want you to come to know and understand is this:

The counselor must first strategically overcome this bunker in the mind of the counselee before any pursuit can be undertaken to destroy any stronghold found in the heart of the counselee.

You see, there is a direct link between the bunker and the heart. However, before any release of hostages is made in the heart of the counselee, the counselor, must first understand and embrace this truth, and then, overcome the bunker in the only method of engagement he has: that is head-to-head combat.

Notice I said head-to-head and not hand-to-hand.

I chose this metaphor because it graphically depicts the dynamics of the initial engagement you will have with a counselee’s presentation problem.

No, they do not come at you swinging their fists; they come at you swinging their intellectual arguments and intellectual persuasions; their justifications and rationalizations concerning their morals, beliefs, thoughts and conduct.

At your first introduction to the counselee, you will step onto a battlefield where you become directly engaged and entangled in the mind of someone whose is under the influence of an ungodly persuasion of the adversary.

Now do not be deceived by some erroneous thought about why people come for counseling; especially professing Christians.  Not everyone you see in session is eager to hear from God. Not everyone you see in session is eager to do what God instructs.  Many times the counselee’s arguments and persuasions are contrary to God’s, and submitting to God and His Word would be to go against the deeply rooted persuasions and arguments the adversary has planted in their hearts.

This is a known fact. If it were not true, there would be no need for them to seek out counseling.  They would not have to seek you out for help.  They would know to be obedient to the Holy Spirits’ leading in their life and would be malleable in allowing Him to transform them in their present circumstance, so you would not be needed.

However, you will discover that many who come into session are truly perverted in their theology, and in need of transformation due to their illiteracy of God’s Word or either their rebellion towards it.

So let me say to you again:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

As a vessel of the Lord, you will be tested and tried by the counselee. You will be stretched, pressed, and pushed by the counselee into a proverbial corner many times in your encounters until you overcome the resistance put up from counselee’s bunker.

You see, if the truth be told, every counselee has an opinion concerning their situation, and that opinion is fortified in that bunker.  For many, it is fortified and under girded by perverted morals and values that the adversary has deceived the counselee into believing are true.

And though you may not agree with their opinions, if not careful, those very opinions will strike you like flak from an artillery barrage and you may find yourself consequently expending an unexpected and unplanned amount of energy keeping your own flesh under subjection during the barrage than you would have ever imagined.

Therefore, let it be known that it is imperative for you, the counselor, to be prepared spiritually before you engage any counselee.

Well, what do you mean by that Elder?

I mean this: if you, the counselor, are not rooted, anchored, and committed to the Word of God, and willing to submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, then you should not go into battle with any counselee. Do not be deceived.  The devil is more than a worthy opponent to the unstudied and uncommitted babe in Christ.

In order to survive any head-to-head encounter with the adversary, the counselor must be committed to letting the Holy Spirit work through them.  The counselor must not only have God’s Word inside of himself or herself, but they must be proficient in rightly dividing the Word of truth and speaking what God wants them to speak.

The counselor’s convictions, arguments, and persuasions must be the same as the Lord’s as it pertains to holiness, righteousness and purity.  The counselor must have a faith that is strong enough and rooted enough in the Lord Jesus Christ to allow themselves to be used at all cost in the battlefield of the counseling session.

Understand one thing.  Scripture reminds us that we do not struggle against flesh and blood.  That means we are not engaged or entangled in physical warfare.  Scripture tells us we struggle against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  That means we are engaged and entangled in spiritual struggles against the adversary and his kingdom.

Therefore, the counselor must be prepared spiritually to do battle against the counselee’s bunker as the Lord directs and leads.

Again, I say:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

I leave you with this thought:

People will believe what they want to believe, not necessarily what they need to believe.

With that in mind, know that you will be on a journey with the Lord in moving from the counselee’s head or bunker, where you will battle the presentation and pattern of thinking levels, to entering his or her heart, where you will fight the final battle of the performance and preconditioning levels.

Be a weak vessel for the Lord that loses the battle of the bunker and you will never engage the adversary’s foothold in the counselee’s heart.

Remember and never forget that you are the conduit for the Holy Spirit. You are the vessel for the Lord.  You will be the mouthpiece for the Lord.  You will be His soldier on the battlefield of the counseling session.

Will you be prepared for the battle?  Will you be able to stand firm and strong for the Lord when you come up against the counselee’s bunker?  Will you be able to bring every thought that is contrary to the knowledge of God under subjection and make it obedient to Christ?  Do you have enough compassion for your counselee to persevere the hardships of the struggles you will have in overcoming the bunker as the Lord has?

I pray for the sake of the counselee that you are prepared.

I close in stating to you again:

Be prepared for the head-to-head combat of biblical counseling.

Now may the love of God, the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.